I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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