Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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