ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
