well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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