He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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