I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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