I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
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