I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
