By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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