True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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