I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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