Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize