Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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