my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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