Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
