Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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