I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
