I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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