I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
