I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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