Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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