what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
