R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
