woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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