I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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