You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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