The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
