I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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