i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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