Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
