I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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