Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
being pregnant is like rehab
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
