Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize