Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Randomize
