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I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
