I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
