we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
