you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
3pm strippers are depressing
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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