I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
