the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
