Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
