So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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