During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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