she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
