apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
