the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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