I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
