remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
