I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We need to get me chipped asap
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
