I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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