Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
