Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
