Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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