i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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