We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
