i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
