If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
